So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
