Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
