Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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