i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize