i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
