Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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