There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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