We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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