remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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