my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
