Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
