Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
