are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
