you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
