just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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