so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
