Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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