Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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