Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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