Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
