Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
