I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You need a sexual gate keeper
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
