Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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