I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
