Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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