The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
