Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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