God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
