So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
