That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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