And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
