Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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