Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
