So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
