i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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