he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
