Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
