Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
