I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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