My Higher Power is John Stamos
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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