Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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