She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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