She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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