I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
