I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
