I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
