i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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