i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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