Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
