Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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