all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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