Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The air was thick with penises
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
