Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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