Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
