1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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