i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
