Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
