So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
