dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
