His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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