she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
