My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
